Imagine the worst children's TV programme you've ever seen. Now remove
any residual plot sense, replace the professional crew with children,
and halve the effects budget. Finally, throw in some talented actors looking
extremely embarrassed. You are now imagining Tooth, and hopefully therefore
have no possible reason to actually inflict it on any innocent children.
Tooth, the eponymous heroine (Yasmin Paige), is an annoying tooth fairy
who for no good reason gives away all the money that the fairies were
planning to spend on Christmas to two children, Tom (Rory Copus) and Tolly
(Maisie Preston). Unfortunately the children seem equally determined to
lose the money, which means that no one will get any presents this Christmas,
so Tooth and the children set off to find it. Along the way they meet
a cast of unamusing characters, including the fairies of Fairytopia, led
by the Easter Bunny (voiced by Oscar winner Jim Broadbent, but played
by a man in a sub-pantomime rabbit suit), and a group of fairy hunters,
led by the sneering Plug (Harry Enfield).
This film is quite beyond belief. It's a children's film set at Christmas,
yet released for the box office stampede that is Valentine's weekend.
It's set unspecifically in America, yet quite obviously shot in England,
with interiors showing UK exit signs and fire extinguishers, and exteriors
of stately homes and rolling countryside. A few of the cast start the
film with American accents, but quickly realise that no one else is bothering
and give up the ghost. Vinnie Jones and Stephen Fry share top billing
despite the fact that their parts are mere cameos. Harry Enfield, the
unfortunate star, seems to give up acting altogether half way through,
and reverts to parody. You can hardly blame him given the dialogue; when
the villains break into Fairytopia he's expected to shout "It's showtime!".
Geeeuuugghh.
When Tooth explains her origins, which constitute the premise for this
embarrassment to the British film industry, Tom responds "That is
the dumbest story I ever heard." At least he didn't have to sit through
it.
David Haviland, Jan. 2004
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