Big Bang Anti-Valentines Day Poetry Competition 2008

A poem for Valentine,
How sweet and divine,
I'll send you some flowers,
One day you'll be mine!

As time goes on,
The lust seems to fade,
And for many new lovers,
The price has been paid.

I got hurt,
Now I'm dirt,
Give back the shirt,
Time to flirt!

A new found true love,
We fit like a glove,
No tears we have shed,
One day we'll be wed!

As time goes on,
The love seems to go,
Paths that crossed earlier,
Now lost in the snow.

It's more of a sting,
Give back that ring!
What is this thing?
Such sadness you bring!

A new type of love,
It's not about me,
It's about all things created to allow you to be,
A new type of love - it's not about you,
It's about taking and giving in everything we do.
This time last year I lay in bed
And hoped some day I’d have a man to wed

That whole year has passed me by
Still no man, so still I cry

Getting older by the year
The quest for love is something I fear

I’ve tried the net and gone to clubs
I’ve speed-dated and drank at pubs

No replies, no phone calls
No invites to Oxford balls

I’m a lonely woman in an empty house
I’ll spend Valentines day with my pet mouse

A spinster is something I’ve now become
I should move back home and live with my mum

....for reference here's also my entry from last year.....

Oh how I hate St Valentine’s day
Every year I hope and pray
That someone somewhere will have written to say
How much they’ll love me till I’m old and grey

I check for messages left on my phone
I check the post at work and home
I check next day for mail from afar
And check my inbox in case one’s there

And so another lonely year passes me by
I see all these couples with stars in their eyes
I think to myself, maybe one day that’ll be me
Kissing a hunk, up against a tree!
It’s Valentine’s Day, no escaping the fact.
Even Ma’s old man is in on the act
With pink flowers and red card
But none for me – how hard.

‘Get out of the house’ he grumbles and moans
‘I’ve got cooking to do,
Can’t be doing with you.’
So I leave him alone

And plod off to work.
Business as usual, letters of complaint are my perk.
But even there I can’t squeeze past
The endless bouquets, chocolates and hearts.

There’s nothing for me, what a horrible day.
Not only that but it’s cold and it’s grey.
Was I really so terribly evil
To be shirked and ignored like a mouldy old weevil?

The porter is just as grumpy as me.
Complaining ‘it aint my duty
To ferry round all this booty’
As he staggers in with a huge box of chocs.

But wait just a minute – what’s this I see?
A sweet little package addressed specially to me.
My heart stops – could it be from my soulmate?
Life's suddenly great.

A pink magnet for the freezer
Must be from my diamond geezer!
The poem makes me laugh
And who needs another half?

When you have a cool fun pal
Who's the funniest prettiest gal.
It’s not that we’re gay
But we’ll mock this stupid day

For richer, for poorer,
In sickness and in health,
For ever and ever -
Well, at least in nasty weather.
What, say you, is the point of this day?
I tell you this, 'tis 'bout love. Ok?
spend money all you like,
except if you're single...
then get your best mate to be a dike
she'll make you tingle ;)

well listen stranger,
your time isn't up
so get off your backside
and put down your cup
walk outside
kiss the first guy you see
if you can't be assed, do it for me!

make v-day special, random and good
for you will be rewarded if you could

Now shout out loud, 'what the hell!'
climb up that ladder and start ringin' that bell.
Petrol Station Flowers again
Oh what a lovely suprise!
My fella don't do things by half!
Oh P-lease don't make me laugh

Different year same old tat
Only the one valentines on my mat
No secret admirers like at school
Trust me to have fell for the fool

Romantic meal at the Drive-thru
If i'm lucky he'll use a coupon too
Nothing like a bit of pampering
Fumble in the car, handbrake hampering!

Oh what a romeo oh what a guy
Maybe on this one day he won't tell a lie
Who am I kidding, Valentines Sucks
Maybe next year i'll have better luck
Venting all my
Anger and
Loathing towards society's
Ethos that states
No-one can be
Truly happy
In life without
Never-ending love is
Essential. Epiphany:
Special sausages of the week and

Double stout
Available for another
Year at Big Bang!
Love is for losers
Love is for twats
Had a boyfriend
But I gave him the sack

Now I’ve got Thruster
My Ann Summers rabbit
Try not to use it often
But it's become a habit
I loved you once,
not any more,
you're sick in the head
you're a fat slob and a bore,
such wasted years
too many tears
this valentines night
I've something for you
this is the big bang
and the end of me and you.
the boy stood on the burning deck
inflamed by love that was all around
ye gods it's valentine's day again
oh please bury me deeply in the ground

away oh cards all red and pink
oh away away from all this stink
of flowers and chocs and false sentiment
none of which is really meant

I'll be much so much safer in the earth
after all what is love truly worth
And as i breathe my last in the sodden muck
I thought i really don't give a f***

but hark hark did i not hear the post
quick dig me up, release me please
a card has arrived all pink and red
perhaps t'was better i was not lying dead .
On Valentines day,
to watch the others
bill and coo, while you,
with a heavy bag and sore feet,
eavesdrop inanity and lusty inuendo, of would be lovers,
led on by Hallmark and Cadbury
and restaurants mark ups,
and a fear of a solitary future,
on valentines night,
out under stars,
or in february rain, more likely,
the shortest month in length,
but the longest to endure,
to be without a place to go,
to meet and smile, be warm,
to hope for a conditional love,
but rather to sit and view,
and to endure the loneliest night
of the year.
Let's have a day celebrating the people who have been screwed over
The ones who are nursing heartbreak, while the couples roll in clover

We'll all wear black and pelt rotten tomatoes at loved up people
Hang anti-Valentines Day propaganda from every nook, cranny and steeple

Rallying together, we'll bitch and moan
About the cretin that dumped us by letter, or the more modern approach, by phone

After this day of retribution the spurned will need a place to chill and hang
So it's off for some top nosh in Jericho, at the BIG BANG!
Pissed off
No bloody date
Fists in pockets
My chin in your face

Dont shy away
Just wipe this screen
So I can smash it
And you give me my dream

Put your hand through it
I’m behind these words
Don’t look at me funny
You heard

This nutta’s dream
What that then you ask…
A Red blonde beauty!
Your ‘avin a laugh

Been there
And its all just fussin
Bangers and mash
that’ll be lovin.
I'll relate you the tale of my latest boyfriends
And their most strange, inexplicable ends.

Al, he was lovely, 'till he spilled my drink.
The cops found the corpse when it started to stink.

Steven made fun of my innermost wishes.
Now, as they say, he sleeps with the fishes.

Jack got fresh on the roof, beneath the bright stars.
He "tripped" and was splattered all over the cars.

Ben checked out a girl who walked by, sleek and slinky,
All that they found of him was his pinkie.

I'm saying I've had quite an unlucky spate,
But I quite fancy you, so how 'bout a date?
Sausage: A Haiku

a lonely lover
waiting for his Valentine
he eats a sausage
Ah, my friend Max, so you’re spoiled for choice?
I have advice which will make you rejoice:
Though you may think that no poem stands apart,
For the sake of the day – just choose from the heart.
You lot are fantastic!
Ill-educated, I felt the need to get drastic
So picked up my pen and cast down my mash:
It's time to enter this poetry clash!

Where titans of wordage do battle each day
and I'm left with a task, filled with dismay -
How do I choose the best from this bunch?
Perhaps I should give everyone lunch!

Happy Valentine's and beyond...!
Oh no! Here comes Valentine's Day
Another commercial excuse for a roll in the hay
But not for my gang
We're off to Big Bang
And hoping we don't have to pay!
One would think he had the world,
Ghengis Khan, Mongol warlord.
But not a truffle, a crème, or a single bon bon
Has ever been sent to the great Ghengis Khan.

In battle, while he slays the foe
He wonders what’s a lover’s row?
As he impales a head upon a spike,
He wonders what a kiss is like?

On Valentine’s Day, his heart does ache
As he leads his army to loot and rape.
His spirit as heavy as his chain mail,
Ghengis Khan dreams of a dainty female.

For the leader of the Mongol horde
Would simply like to be adored.
Cynic

I am so glad that we have Valentine’s Day,
To enlighten us all on how to say
Those magical words, you know the three,
Because on Valentine’s Day, love doesn’t come for free.

Buy an oversized bear,
To show that you care,
Or a mini heart-shaped cake,
Displaying the commitment you could make.
Express your desire with a balloon,
It’ll make all the ladies swoon.
And for the men you can’t go wrong,
With a romantic novelty thong.

Yes, I am so glad we have Valentine’s Day,
Without it we would surely go astray.
Let us never have traditional notions of love come back,
All that we want is tack tack tack!
You always were so good in bed,
Slightly less so now you're dead.
But there's still colour in your cheeks,
Let's try it for another week!
Oh God, here it comes again
That Valentiney, whiney, commercialistic opportunity
To send your loved one flowers
The smell of which just over-powers
To write sweet nothings in cheap cards
The words eventually to become malicious shards
Of glass that once champagne did flow
Like many arrows from cupid's bow

Too drunk then to realise
At once were we hypnotised
Into love's sweet, sickly smell
Until reality hit us and dissipated the bubble-like spell

So now we look forward to Valentine's day with dread
Wishing at once that we and our love are dead!!
Send me no cards; please spare me from cupid,
For it’s well known that winged-babies are stupid.

Don’t speak to me in your sickly-sweet rhymes,
Or I’ll pack you off to a college for mimes.

Bring me no roses, white, pink or red.
For if one thorn pricks me, you’ll wish you were dead.

Don’t leave me chocolates, shell-shaped or not,
I’m allergic to sugar; I’ll break out in spots.

Take me for no loving walks by the Isis,
I’d much rather work through a dire essay-crisis.

Buy me no drinks, no gin and no tonic,
I’ll just pity you for the gesture moronic.

If, on this Thursday, you make my teeth gnash,
It best be because of my sausage and mash.
Sonnet, number 14.

Oh, not another Valentine sonnet,
Oh Please! Give me a break – I am going
to vomit.
No heart-shaped card; no rhymes from The Bard,
Make sitting, alone, tonight, twice as hard.
For-yes, I admit –I am supremely single,
So, even clichés from Hallmark cause a tingle
…of lust? Of delight? Of disgust? Of relief?
Just a glimmer of hope to promote self belief.
Instead, this most miserable, Feb’ry 14th
Imbues me with egotistical grief.
My wine-bottle-microphone echoes my curse:
“Please let me receive one Valentine verse”.
‘You are my sunshine, my love, mon amour, mein wunder’.
Oh, c’mon, get a grip! I am going to chunder.....
This year I'll burn your Valentines.
And as they crackle and curl on the fire
they will cry out with their last breath:
I want you.
I need you.
I love you.
Each one a liar.
Alone this year

Valentines is the date that I most loath
Ever since I was left by my betrothed
She left me standing at the alter
And ran away with that sod from Malta

At first I cried myself to sleep
Then I found out the address of that creep
So at nights I no longer watch the clocks
Instead I put poo through his letterbox.

I think I might never love again
Now spending my nights getting wrist sprain
I struggle from my personal Hades
As I cope with trying not to hate all ladies

So I am going to get myself out the house
And decide whether I am a man or a mouse
I shall sell all her clothes and gather the cash
And get down the pub for some bangers and mash!
Impending Valentines Humiliation

Shall I just stay under the duvet?
And glug last nights Chardonnay
For I am not going to show my single face this Valentines Day

Couples are everywhere, polluting the streets
With their matching cagoules and sickly sweets
Spouting vomit inducing poetry, with the help of Keats

It’s like a crap secret club…only couples need apply
And suddenly your billy-no-mates because you haven’t got a guy

But still with a flutter off home you trot
Because the postman comes at 12 on the dot
JOY, RAPTURE, A CARD, your face splits into a grin

But it’s only a card from your gran, saying thanks for putting out her bin
Valentines Day Is Crap

The shame of being single, on this cold and gloomy day
Is enough to make anyone go out of their way
To avoid the embarrassment and the humiliation
Of admitting to not receiving one crappy rose or a skanky carnation

It seems you are the only single person in the entire universe
Suddenly becoming an invalid or a leper with a curse
Everyone else is festooned with teddies, cards and choccy filled with rum
While the only card you get is from your mum

"Why!" you scream to the heavens "Has everyone else got someone!"
Even the mangy cat has someone to sniff her bum
Happy couples plan romantic breaks and happily they mingle
And the whole business is unbelievably dreadful if you're single

But I'm not gonna cry, guzzle wine and go after any old sap
Because the whole world knows Valentines Day is crap
Through the letter box they drop
On to the front door mat they plop
Thick envelopes addressed to me
I gather them in my arms with glee

Friends look on with jealous stare
at the hearts and flowers and cupids bare
The sender must be rather shy
and nobody knows that more than I

They haven't signed a name you see
but I love them best

they're
all
from
me.
MY LOVIN' APPETITE...

The cards are printed by December,
When Christmas drunks do not remember
That there ever was a day for lovers
For candy hearts beneath the covers.

But we’re reminded in the New Year
Just as winter hits its nadir
That shiny Valentine’s cards need selling
To the coalition of the willing:
Happy couples, lonely losers
The beggars who cannot be choosers
The ranks of randy singletons
Who’d beg for love from anyone.

“It’s not that bad,” the lovers say
It’s warm with us – out there it’s wetter.
Well, it’s not that bad, but it ain’t that great
And I know something better.

For keeping out the winter wash
Forget those cards; those soppy wishes
Eat bangers heaped on snowy mash –
There’s always room for kisses.
I'd like to be your Valentine
But there are many buts.
In an Oxford full of poets
There is no place for mutts.

I can't afford the chocolates
I never choose good flowers
And all your other suitors
Will rhyme away for hours.

I'd tell you that I love you
If I really felt I must
But my lack of dedication
Shows what I have is lust.

It's just a lot of nonsense
I need to get a life.
It's time to put an end to this
And go back to the wife.
21ST CENTURY LOVE


If you don't need me
You can delete me

If you don't want me in
Drag me into your bin

But if you'll woo me
You can Yahoo me

You could give me a place
in your MySpace

In this world of make-pretend
Allow me to be your Messenger friend

We can have a little snog
If we start our own blog

We could stickr
Together on Flickr

Please let me be your wife
In your Second Life

But if you don't need me
You can delete me

If you don't want me in
Drag me into your bin

(Etc.)
Two weeks to go till darkness falls,
We hide our shame behind closed walls,
Keep secret feelings locked away
Ne'er to touch the light of day.

The fantasies we keep within
Enable us to lift our chin
And keep on with our daily toil
Yet 'neath the surface passions boil

Of far off days, through mists of time
The epoch of St Valentine;
When knights were bold and maids were fair,
And girls wore flowers in their hair

When romance was but more than fleeting,
When "love you" was more than a greeting,
When flames alight inside were penned
To burn and break the hearts of men.

Yet now the quills are set aside,
Gallant steeds put out to ride,
Maidens in their dresses fade
And leave behind the light of day.

We shall get cards and maybe flowers
Champagne dinners pass the hours,
Lots of effort, lots of make up,
Worrying before you wake up.

We may not get swept off our feet,
And Feb 14 may pass but fleet,
But within, the armour shines,
The mem'ries of St Valentine.
I saw her and at once I longed
For her, not knowing she belonged
Entirely to that twisted seam
Of wrongness known as Academe.

Each Academic is deranged,
From every virtue full estranged.
All that the ordinary deem
Of value, thence flees Academe!

The men, without exception, toads.
Strangers all to moral codes.
The women, vile, intoxicated,
Naught of them shall be related.

Of those afflicted by this curse
I do accept that some are worse
No-one than her, she claims, abstemier,
But only within Academia.

Alas, I cannot break these chains
I lack the strength, I lack the brains.
But others from my woe may learn
And so not suffer in their turn.

So if you freely give your heart,
Please heed these words before you start.
Let not in vain be this polemic,
My child, don't love an Academic!
I don't think you're fantastic
I don't think you are great
In fact of all the guys I know
You're the one I hate

I couldn't give a fig for you
You're just a waste of space
And has anyone ever told you
You've got an ugly face

So that's it then I've made my point
You now know where I stand
So having got that off my chest
Valentine, take my hand!
I most certainly would…


thank you for a valentine, which you’ll doubtless say is cliché’d
and cheapened and commercial but if you could just put aside
your very worthy principles, then I’d be gladdened, gracious,
grateful in roughly equal measures and would express this in
ways I feel could bring you pleasure too. Now chocolates could be
tricky, not to mention, in bed, sticky. They could hint at slight
suggestions that you think that I don’t think about the roundness
of my tum, or skin blemishes that might possibly accrue,
unless of course, it’s just one or two, truffles, heart-shaped, fair trade
and beautifully packaged, or maybe kilos, very plain,
but that would be for an altogether different sort of
game. Flowers -well – less is more if we’re talking about scented
and exquisite. Perfection. But if we’re not, buy up the shop.


More is more. Shower me with flowers. Now you know my tastes in books;
you perhaps could look for a slim tome to present to me
between the main dish and the pud of the most romantic meal
somewhere by the water, which I’d not got round to mentioning,
cos I’d rather hoped you might just think of it yourself. Now perfume’s

a bit last year; you should give scent a miss. But as for something
that comes in a small velvet box - bliss. Be bold, but hold onto
the receipt, my darling. And if you play your cards right; I know
this hasn’t so far been your style, you’ll find I’m most receptive.
I smile. I can be sweet; giving will reap its own rewards!
what's in a red rose, that you gave me today?
have you been up to something, and now you pray,
pray this rose will fix the guilt that hangs ov'r you,
cos its valentines day,and you think i'll sue
you for every penny, you for every pound.
perhaps you read me like a book you wish you never found.
so take your rose and shove it where you like.
cos i'm past all your pretence of being nice.
save your rose for your next valentine.
and don't ever think you will be mine
Its that day again, once more i'm not so hard.
please don't don't send yourself another sodden card!
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I slept with your mum,
She was better than you.
Roses are red
Violet are blue
theres no words to describe ur mood
i love you
Love - groping, pining, obsession
St. Valentine’s day heaven
Found in an empty glass
We’re all just actors – empty promises from an empty cast,
Relational therapy for an empty heart

I love you
I love you too

Empty words spoken in midnight’s true hour
Spreads out among the many like blown petals of midnight blue flower
It stains our lips, stained in hypocrisy contains our quips,
It’s the St. Valentine’s day hits
Breathless words spoken from parted lips
Love – groping, pining, obsession
Lets just call it quits.
Lonely Valentine


It’s just another lonely valentine
Not the first and wont be the last
You feel so empty inside
When all love is in the past
But all hope hasn’t died
Be my valentine

You learn as you get old
Lust leaves you bitter, love leaves you cold
I don’t think I’ve ever been in love in the past
One thing’s for sure, it didn’t last
Be my valentine

Happiness only lasts for a short while
When all you can do is smile
You walk round with chest puffed out
Coz she’s all you can think about
Be my valentine

In the end happiness dies
When you see no love in her eyes
You know it won’t be long
When everything you do seems to be wrong
Be my valentine

Every year it’s the same
I’ve only got myself to blame
It’s just another lonely valentine
Just wish that I could make you mine
Be my valentine

oh how i hate valentines day
people always say it's the worst day
i just dont no what to do
so i cant see you
i just wanna say you can be stray
so dont nay nay nay
i can say you are just like rotten hay

now that it is pay day
it is time for you to say
go out with a guy called clay
so so say ha ha ha its ok okay kay kay kay
so say say say I HATE VALENTIE'S DAY.
6 years married
5 years of hell
4 separations
3 times back
2 kids screaming
1 silent spouse
0 valentines.
We’re beyond all that.
val and tine beer and wine
not a lover another an other
des per rate groping for
who knows what or when
and a cardboard message
mystery wo men

?
Oh how I hate St Valentine’s day
Every year I hope and pray
That someone somewhere will have written to say
How much they’ll love me till I’m old and grey

I check for messages left on my phone
I check the post at work and home
I check next day for mail from afar
And check my inbox in case one’s there

And so another lonely year passes me by
I see all these couples with stars in their eyes
I think to myself, maybe one day that’ll be me
Kissing a hunk, up against a tree!
On Valentine’s Day I’d like to meet you.
Hang on, wait, I meant ‘…to EAT you’,
Suck out all your eyeball jelly
And stick knitting needles in your belly,

Pluck out all your body hair,
Make you regret that love affair.
Then slowly feed you slimy snails
And suck out all your fingernails.

So February 14th we should meet
In the graveyard next to Leopold Street,
And there my darling we shall dine
On broken hearts and lies in brine.
There's one day in the year, that I can say I do fear
And I swear it's not Friday 13th.
I will promise you now,
(I don't care I'm a sow),
That Valentines Day needs a sheath.

It's corny and plastic and not that fantastic,
With flowers that lives waste away.
There's too much Ben Sherman and not enough Bourbon,
To get through this horrible day.

So I vow to you this; that this day I'll miss,
all the cards and the bears with pink ruffage.
Without hint or delay, it's quite certain I'll say,
I'd like mash with some gravy and sausage.

Here it comes roond again
I just canny wait
For all that mushy stuff
That we aw love to hate
I really canny be bothered whi it aw
It drive's me roond the bend
I've hated it since a bairn
Now I'm 28!
Couples holdin hands
Kissin in the streets
Get a bloody room guys
For all us single people's sake
I'm sick of aw this valentines shite
Teddys, cards and chocolates galore
I've just had aw that at Christmas
Why they hell do I what more!
To hear all the sickly poems
They make me sick in the heed
I think I'll hide away on
That bloody day
Go and do somethin intrestin
Like write my communications essay!
So from a lassie fie the highlands
Who thinks valentine day should be banned
I think there should be a new day made instead
Rather than a day we all want canned.
pop goes bangers
mash mash mash
i like sausages
and to watch my man gnash
with lusty juicy gutsyness, cos he's hungry and a brute
i'm not
i'm a lady,
i really do play the flute, and the loot, honestly.
so i'll just poke my sausages, wiggle and giggle around my plate,

and try to be a lovely date
Each time this day comes around,
I am reminded of the faces and flesh of the past,
Women,
There is an abstract notion left,
that one valentines day,
I may be happy, and cheerful and smug.
Taking comfort in my "day" in my self-congratory way,
to spell out my "love" through another consumer fad.
Banal couples, clinging on, telling themselves they aren't alone, through this act of sickly sachrine financial crippling, day of narcissism, and a day for some - for self loathing.
The Mardy Valentine

It's not that I don't love you
I'm just a stingy git
Who doesn't like the schmaltzy
Sentimentalism of it

It's not that I don't love you
(And, actually, I do;
I should bloody well hope you know that
If you know what's good for you)

Do I only need one special day
Each year to show devotion?
Hey,
I could take you for granted all year round
With a stubborn lack of emotion

Though I may not go for a grand display
With my heart on my sleeve in a big showy way
Still, I'll make you porridge when you're weak and pathetic
I'll stroke your hair when you least expect it
I'll smile at you 'cos your charm is magnetic
Just don't expect me to be all pink and fluffy
On ruddy St Valentine's Day
Driven beyond reasonable restraint

I'm bored of this and sick of you
There's nothing much now left to do
There's nothing really left to say
I might as well just slip away
(Though it's a good idea, no doubt
To wipe the knife on my way out).

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