Big Bang Anti-Valentines Day Poetry Competition 2008
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And the winner is... A Pirate! with Daily Info Staff, 23/01/08 It’s Valentine’s Day, no escaping the fact. Even Ma’s old man is in on the act With pink flowers and red card But none for me – how hard. ‘Get out of the house’ he grumbles and moans ‘I’ve got cooking to do, Can’t be doing with you.’ So I leave him alone And plod off to work. Business as usual, letters of complaint are my perk. But even there I can’t squeeze past The endless bouquets, chocolates and hearts. There’s nothing for me, what a horrible day. Not only that but it’s cold and it’s grey. Was I really so terribly evil To be shirked and ignored like a mouldy old weevil? The porter is just as grumpy as me. Complaining ‘it aint my duty To ferry round all this booty’ As he staggers in with a huge box of chocs. But wait just a minute – what’s this I see? A sweet little package addressed specially to me. My heart stops – could it be from my soulmate? Life's suddenly great. A pink magnet for the freezer Must be from my diamond geezer! The poem makes me laugh And who needs another half? When you have a cool fun pal Who's the funniest prettiest gal. It’s not that we’re gay But we’ll mock this stupid day For richer, for poorer, In sickness and in health, For ever and ever - Well, at least in nasty weather. A Rare Bird, 14/02/08 What, say you, is the point of this day? I tell you this, 'tis 'bout love. Ok? spend money all you like, except if you're single... then get your best mate to be a dike she'll make you tingle ;) well listen stranger, your time isn't up so get off your backside and put down your cup walk outside kiss the first guy you see if you can't be assed, do it for me! make v-day special, random and good for you will be rewarded if you could Now shout out loud, 'what the hell!' climb up that ladder and start ringin' that bell. Bear!, 13/02/08 Petrol Station Flowers again Oh what a lovely suprise! My fella don't do things by half! Oh P-lease don't make me laugh Different year same old tat Only the one valentines on my mat No secret admirers like at school Trust me to have fell for the fool Romantic meal at the Drive-thru If i'm lucky he'll use a coupon too Nothing like a bit of pampering Fumble in the car, handbrake hampering! Oh what a romeo oh what a guy Maybe on this one day he won't tell a lie Who am I kidding, Valentines Sucks Maybe next year i'll have better luck Suze, 11/02/08 Venting all my Anger and Loathing towards society's Ethos that states No-one can be Truly happy In life without Never-ending love is Essential. Epiphany: Special sausages of the week and Double stout Available for another Year at Big Bang! Suzanne, 10/02/08 Love is for losers Love is for twats Had a boyfriend But I gave him the sack Now I’ve got Thruster My Ann Summers rabbit Try not to use it often But it's become a habit Bitter but well pleasured, 10/02/08 I loved you once, not any more, you're sick in the head you're a fat slob and a bore, such wasted years too many tears this valentines night I've something for you this is the big bang and the end of me and you. bitter, 10/02/08 the boy stood on the burning deck inflamed by love that was all around ye gods it's valentine's day again oh please bury me deeply in the ground away oh cards all red and pink oh away away from all this stink of flowers and chocs and false sentiment none of which is really meant I'll be much so much safer in the earth after all what is love truly worth And as i breathe my last in the sodden muck I thought i really don't give a f*** but hark hark did i not hear the post quick dig me up, release me please a card has arrived all pink and red perhaps t'was better i was not lying dead . John Bitumen, 09/02/08 On Valentines day, to watch the others bill and coo, while you, with a heavy bag and sore feet, eavesdrop inanity and lusty inuendo, of would be lovers, led on by Hallmark and Cadbury and restaurants mark ups, and a fear of a solitary future, on valentines night, out under stars, or in february rain, more likely, the shortest month in length, but the longest to endure, to be without a place to go, to meet and smile, be warm, to hope for a conditional love, but rather to sit and view, and to endure the loneliest night of the year. Plani Sphere, 09/02/08 Let's have a day celebrating the people who have been screwed over The ones who are nursing heartbreak, while the couples roll in clover We'll all wear black and pelt rotten tomatoes at loved up people Hang anti-Valentines Day propaganda from every nook, cranny and steeple Rallying together, we'll bitch and moan About the cretin that dumped us by letter, or the more modern approach, by phone After this day of retribution the spurned will need a place to chill and hang So it's off for some top nosh in Jericho, at the BIG BANG! 09/02/08 Pissed off No bloody date Fists in pockets My chin in your face Dont shy away Just wipe this screen So I can smash it And you give me my dream Put your hand through it I’m behind these words Don’t look at me funny You heard This nutta’s dream What that then you ask… A Red blonde beauty! Your ‘avin a laugh Been there And its all just fussin Bangers and mash that’ll be lovin. Brute, 09/02/08 I'll relate you the tale of my latest boyfriends And their most strange, inexplicable ends. Al, he was lovely, 'till he spilled my drink. The cops found the corpse when it started to stink. Steven made fun of my innermost wishes. Now, as they say, he sleeps with the fishes. Jack got fresh on the roof, beneath the bright stars. He "tripped" and was splattered all over the cars. Ben checked out a girl who walked by, sleek and slinky, All that they found of him was his pinkie. I'm saying I've had quite an unlucky spate, But I quite fancy you, so how 'bout a date? Baby Elephant, 09/02/08 Sausage: A Haiku a lonely lover waiting for his Valentine he eats a sausage Panda Bear, 09/02/08 Ah, my friend Max, so you’re spoiled for choice? I have advice which will make you rejoice: Though you may think that no poem stands apart, For the sake of the day – just choose from the heart. 08/02/08 You lot are fantastic! Ill-educated, I felt the need to get drastic So picked up my pen and cast down my mash: It's time to enter this poetry clash! Where titans of wordage do battle each day and I'm left with a task, filled with dismay - How do I choose the best from this bunch? Perhaps I should give everyone lunch! Happy Valentine's and beyond...! Max, from The Big Bang!, 08/02/08 Oh no! Here comes Valentine's Day Another commercial excuse for a roll in the hay But not for my gang We're off to Big Bang And hoping we don't have to pay! Toddie, 07/02/08 One would think he had the world, Ghengis Khan, Mongol warlord. But not a truffle, a crème, or a single bon bon Has ever been sent to the great Ghengis Khan. In battle, while he slays the foe He wonders what’s a lover’s row? As he impales a head upon a spike, He wonders what a kiss is like? On Valentine’s Day, his heart does ache As he leads his army to loot and rape. His spirit as heavy as his chain mail, Ghengis Khan dreams of a dainty female. For the leader of the Mongol horde Would simply like to be adored. A. Pirate, 07/02/08 Cynic I am so glad that we have Valentine’s Day, To enlighten us all on how to say Those magical words, you know the three, Because on Valentine’s Day, love doesn’t come for free. Buy an oversized bear, To show that you care, Or a mini heart-shaped cake, Displaying the commitment you could make. Express your desire with a balloon, It’ll make all the ladies swoon. And for the men you can’t go wrong, With a romantic novelty thong. Yes, I am so glad we have Valentine’s Day, Without it we would surely go astray. Let us never have traditional notions of love come back, All that we want is tack tack tack! 07/02/08 You always were so good in bed, Slightly less so now you're dead. But there's still colour in your cheeks, Let's try it for another week! Necro Nigel, 07/02/08 Oh God, here it comes again That Valentiney, whiney, commercialistic opportunity To send your loved one flowers The smell of which just over-powers To write sweet nothings in cheap cards The words eventually to become malicious shards Of glass that once champagne did flow Like many arrows from cupid's bow Too drunk then to realise At once were we hypnotised Into love's sweet, sickly smell Until reality hit us and dissipated the bubble-like spell So now we look forward to Valentine's day with dread Wishing at once that we and our love are dead!! artysi, 07/02/08 Send me no cards; please spare me from cupid, For it’s well known that winged-babies are stupid. Don’t speak to me in your sickly-sweet rhymes, Or I’ll pack you off to a college for mimes. Bring me no roses, white, pink or red. For if one thorn pricks me, you’ll wish you were dead. Don’t leave me chocolates, shell-shaped or not, I’m allergic to sugar; I’ll break out in spots. Take me for no loving walks by the Isis, I’d much rather work through a dire essay-crisis. Buy me no drinks, no gin and no tonic, I’ll just pity you for the gesture moronic. If, on this Thursday, you make my teeth gnash, It best be because of my sausage and mash. A. Pirate, 07/02/08 Sonnet, number 14. Oh, not another Valentine sonnet, Oh Please! Give me a break – I am going to vomit. No heart-shaped card; no rhymes from The Bard, Make sitting, alone, tonight, twice as hard. For-yes, I admit –I am supremely single, So, even clichés from Hallmark cause a tingle …of lust? Of delight? Of disgust? Of relief? Just a glimmer of hope to promote self belief. Instead, this most miserable, Feb’ry 14th Imbues me with egotistical grief. My wine-bottle-microphone echoes my curse: “Please let me receive one Valentine verse”. ‘You are my sunshine, my love, mon amour, mein wunder’. Oh, c’mon, get a grip! I am going to chunder..... K. Robinson, 06/02/08 This year I'll burn your Valentines. And as they crackle and curl on the fire they will cry out with their last breath: I want you. I need you. I love you. Each one a liar. Pookiemon, 06/02/08 Alone this year Valentines is the date that I most loath Ever since I was left by my betrothed She left me standing at the alter And ran away with that sod from Malta At first I cried myself to sleep Then I found out the address of that creep So at nights I no longer watch the clocks Instead I put poo through his letterbox. I think I might never love again Now spending my nights getting wrist sprain I struggle from my personal Hades As I cope with trying not to hate all ladies So I am going to get myself out the house And decide whether I am a man or a mouse I shall sell all her clothes and gather the cash And get down the pub for some bangers and mash! Nickos, 06/02/08 Impending Valentines Humiliation Shall I just stay under the duvet? And glug last nights Chardonnay For I am not going to show my single face this Valentines Day Couples are everywhere, polluting the streets With their matching cagoules and sickly sweets Spouting vomit inducing poetry, with the help of Keats It’s like a crap secret club…only couples need apply And suddenly your billy-no-mates because you haven’t got a guy But still with a flutter off home you trot Because the postman comes at 12 on the dot JOY, RAPTURE, A CARD, your face splits into a grin But it’s only a card from your gran, saying thanks for putting out her bin Suddenly Single, 06/02/08 Valentines Day Is Crap The shame of being single, on this cold and gloomy day Is enough to make anyone go out of their way To avoid the embarrassment and the humiliation Of admitting to not receiving one crappy rose or a skanky carnation It seems you are the only single person in the entire universe Suddenly becoming an invalid or a leper with a curse Everyone else is festooned with teddies, cards and choccy filled with rum While the only card you get is from your mum "Why!" you scream to the heavens "Has everyone else got someone!" Even the mangy cat has someone to sniff her bum Happy couples plan romantic breaks and happily they mingle And the whole business is unbelievably dreadful if you're single But I'm not gonna cry, guzzle wine and go after any old sap Because the whole world knows Valentines Day is crap Nayo, 06/02/08 Through the letter box they drop On to the front door mat they plop Thick envelopes addressed to me I gather them in my arms with glee Friends look on with jealous stare at the hearts and flowers and cupids bare The sender must be rather shy and nobody knows that more than I They haven't signed a name you see but I love them best they're all from me. jubbly, 05/02/08 MY LOVIN' APPETITE... The cards are printed by December, When Christmas drunks do not remember That there ever was a day for lovers For candy hearts beneath the covers. But we’re reminded in the New Year Just as winter hits its nadir That shiny Valentine’s cards need selling To the coalition of the willing: Happy couples, lonely losers The beggars who cannot be choosers The ranks of randy singletons Who’d beg for love from anyone. “It’s not that bad,” the lovers say It’s warm with us – out there it’s wetter. Well, it’s not that bad, but it ain’t that great And I know something better. For keeping out the winter wash Forget those cards; those soppy wishes Eat bangers heaped on snowy mash – There’s always room for kisses. DB, 05/02/08 I'd like to be your Valentine But there are many buts. In an Oxford full of poets There is no place for mutts. I can't afford the chocolates I never choose good flowers And all your other suitors Will rhyme away for hours. I'd tell you that I love you If I really felt I must But my lack of dedication Shows what I have is lust. It's just a lot of nonsense I need to get a life. It's time to put an end to this And go back to the wife. Timewaster, 05/02/08 21ST CENTURY LOVE If you don't need me You can delete me If you don't want me in Drag me into your bin But if you'll woo me You can Yahoo me You could give me a place in your MySpace In this world of make-pretend Allow me to be your Messenger friend We can have a little snog If we start our own blog We could stickr Together on Flickr Please let me be your wife In your Second Life But if you don't need me You can delete me If you don't want me in Drag me into your bin (Etc.) Juliet Utd, 05/02/08 Two weeks to go till darkness falls, We hide our shame behind closed walls, Keep secret feelings locked away Ne'er to touch the light of day. The fantasies we keep within Enable us to lift our chin And keep on with our daily toil Yet 'neath the surface passions boil Of far off days, through mists of time The epoch of St Valentine; When knights were bold and maids were fair, And girls wore flowers in their hair When romance was but more than fleeting, When "love you" was more than a greeting, When flames alight inside were penned To burn and break the hearts of men. Yet now the quills are set aside, Gallant steeds put out to ride, Maidens in their dresses fade And leave behind the light of day. We shall get cards and maybe flowers Champagne dinners pass the hours, Lots of effort, lots of make up, Worrying before you wake up. We may not get swept off our feet, And Feb 14 may pass but fleet, But within, the armour shines, The mem'ries of St Valentine. Long Time No Write, 01/02/08 I saw her and at once I longed For her, not knowing she belonged Entirely to that twisted seam Of wrongness known as Academe. Each Academic is deranged, From every virtue full estranged. All that the ordinary deem Of value, thence flees Academe! The men, without exception, toads. Strangers all to moral codes. The women, vile, intoxicated, Naught of them shall be related. Of those afflicted by this curse I do accept that some are worse No-one than her, she claims, abstemier, But only within Academia. Alas, I cannot break these chains I lack the strength, I lack the brains. But others from my woe may learn And so not suffer in their turn. So if you freely give your heart, Please heed these words before you start. Let not in vain be this polemic, My child, don't love an Academic! Simple Sausage, 01/02/08 I don't think you're fantastic I don't think you are great In fact of all the guys I know You're the one I hate I couldn't give a fig for you You're just a waste of space And has anyone ever told you You've got an ugly face So that's it then I've made my point You now know where I stand So having got that off my chest Valentine, take my hand! Bitter (not Twisted), 01/02/08 I most certainly would… thank you for a valentine, which you’ll doubtless say is cliché’d and cheapened and commercial but if you could just put aside your very worthy principles, then I’d be gladdened, gracious, grateful in roughly equal measures and would express this in ways I feel could bring you pleasure too. Now chocolates could be tricky, not to mention, in bed, sticky. They could hint at slight suggestions that you think that I don’t think about the roundness of my tum, or skin blemishes that might possibly accrue, unless of course, it’s just one or two, truffles, heart-shaped, fair trade and beautifully packaged, or maybe kilos, very plain, but that would be for an altogether different sort of game. Flowers -well – less is more if we’re talking about scented and exquisite. Perfection. But if we’re not, buy up the shop. More is more. Shower me with flowers. Now you know my tastes in books; you perhaps could look for a slim tome to present to me between the main dish and the pud of the most romantic meal somewhere by the water, which I’d not got round to mentioning, cos I’d rather hoped you might just think of it yourself. Now perfume’s a bit last year; you should give scent a miss. But as for something that comes in a small velvet box - bliss. Be bold, but hold onto the receipt, my darling. And if you play your cards right; I know this hasn’t so far been your style, you’ll find I’m most receptive. I smile. I can be sweet; giving will reap its own rewards! jane doh, 01/02/08 what's in a red rose, that you gave me today? have you been up to something, and now you pray, pray this rose will fix the guilt that hangs ov'r you, cos its valentines day,and you think i'll sue you for every penny, you for every pound. perhaps you read me like a book you wish you never found. so take your rose and shove it where you like. cos i'm past all your pretence of being nice. save your rose for your next valentine. and don't ever think you will be mine gugge, 31/01/08 Its that day again, once more i'm not so hard. please don't don't send yourself another sodden card! scally 2000, 31/01/08 Roses are red, Violets are blue, I slept with your mum, She was better than you. ajaj, 31/01/08 Roses are red Violet are blue theres no words to describe ur mood i love you romeo, 31/01/08 Love - groping, pining, obsession St. Valentine’s day heaven Found in an empty glass We’re all just actors – empty promises from an empty cast, Relational therapy for an empty heart I love you I love you too Empty words spoken in midnight’s true hour Spreads out among the many like blown petals of midnight blue flower It stains our lips, stained in hypocrisy contains our quips, It’s the St. Valentine’s day hits Breathless words spoken from parted lips Love – groping, pining, obsession Lets just call it quits. Caio Fiocco , 31/01/08 Lonely Valentine It’s just another lonely valentine Not the first and wont be the last You feel so empty inside When all love is in the past But all hope hasn’t died Be my valentine You learn as you get old Lust leaves you bitter, love leaves you cold I don’t think I’ve ever been in love in the past One thing’s for sure, it didn’t last Be my valentine Happiness only lasts for a short while When all you can do is smile You walk round with chest puffed out Coz she’s all you can think about Be my valentine In the end happiness dies When you see no love in her eyes You know it won’t be long When everything you do seems to be wrong Be my valentine Every year it’s the same I’ve only got myself to blame It’s just another lonely valentine Just wish that I could make you mine Be my valentine Shevo, 30/01/08 oh how i hate valentines day by dawn, age 10, 29/01/08 6 years married 5 years of hell 4 separations 3 times back 2 kids screaming 1 silent spouse 0 valentines. We’re beyond all that. Peter H, 29/01/08 val and tine beer and wine not a lover another an other des per rate groping for who knows what or when and a cardboard message mystery wo men ? guesswho, 29/01/08 Oh how I hate St Valentine’s day Every year I hope and pray That someone somewhere will have written to say How much they’ll love me till I’m old and grey I check for messages left on my phone I check the post at work and home I check next day for mail from afar And check my inbox in case one’s there And so another lonely year passes me by I see all these couples with stars in their eyes I think to myself, maybe one day that’ll be me Kissing a hunk, up against a tree! Helen, 29/01/08 On Valentine’s Day I’d like to meet you. Hang on, wait, I meant ‘…to EAT you’, Suck out all your eyeball jelly And stick knitting needles in your belly, Pluck out all your body hair, Make you regret that love affair. Then slowly feed you slimy snails And suck out all your fingernails. So February 14th we should meet In the graveyard next to Leopold Street, And there my darling we shall dine On broken hearts and lies in brine. Benjamin M, 29/01/08 There's one day in the year, that I can say I do fear And I swear it's not Friday 13th. I will promise you now, (I don't care I'm a sow), That Valentines Day needs a sheath. It's corny and plastic and not that fantastic, With flowers that lives waste away. There's too much Ben Sherman and not enough Bourbon, To get through this horrible day. So I vow to you this; that this day I'll miss, all the cards and the bears with pink ruffage. Without hint or delay, it's quite certain I'll say, I'd like mash with some gravy and sausage. Fi, 28/01/08 Here it comes roond again Lisa marie, 28/01/08 pop goes bangers mash mash mash i like sausages and to watch my man gnash with lusty juicy gutsyness, cos he's hungry and a brute i'm not i'm a lady, i really do play the flute, and the loot, honestly. so i'll just poke my sausages, wiggle and giggle around my plate, and try to be a lovely date ruth, 28/01/08 Each time this day comes around, I am reminded of the faces and flesh of the past, Women, There is an abstract notion left, that one valentines day, I may be happy, and cheerful and smug. Taking comfort in my "day" in my self-congratory way, to spell out my "love" through another consumer fad. Banal couples, clinging on, telling themselves they aren't alone, through this act of sickly sachrine financial crippling, day of narcissism, and a day for some - for self loathing. Cyder, 28/01/08 The Mardy Valentine It's not that I don't love you I'm just a stingy git Who doesn't like the schmaltzy Sentimentalism of it It's not that I don't love you (And, actually, I do; I should bloody well hope you know that If you know what's good for you) Do I only need one special day Each year to show devotion? Hey, I could take you for granted all year round With a stubborn lack of emotion Though I may not go for a grand display With my heart on my sleeve in a big showy way Still, I'll make you porridge when you're weak and pathetic I'll stroke your hair when you least expect it I'll smile at you 'cos your charm is magnetic Just don't expect me to be all pink and fluffy On ruddy St Valentine's Day Sloe Jane, 26/01/08 Driven beyond reasonable restraint I'm bored of this and sick of you There's nothing much now left to do There's nothing really left to say I might as well just slip away (Though it's a good idea, no doubt To wipe the knife on my way out). Sweeney Bod, 23/01/08 |
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