Daily Info's 2010 ANTI-Valentine's Poetry Competition

Love Hurts

They could have been the perfect couple;
A duet sung in heaven.
Living in a world of hearts and flowers,
With their amps turned up to eleven.
If fate wasn’t cruel and had matched them better,
Then she could have loved that man.
But she was a badger and lived in a sett
And he was a Transit van.

She dug in the earth and lived on The Downs
And slept when she was able.
He was diesel and parked on the flat
Due to a slack brake cable.
He carried tools and a plumber called Mick
Who installed new baths and showers.
She had a stripe down the length of her nose
And a penchant for eating flowers.

Their paths met once on that fateful day
As she crossed the A420.
Mick had his right foot hard pressed down:
Late for his tea – doing plenty.
A screech of brakes then a skid and a thump
As the van and the badger met.
Metal don’t yield like fur and flesh:
‘She’s gone, now’ said the vet.

As her ghost ascended to Mother Earth
She recognised that Fate
Had so conspired to end her life
At the wheels of a fatal blind date.
The shiny chrome and sliding doors
Hid the Tristan to her Isolde.
If only they’d met on the windswept Downs
And not on this damned hard shoulder.

The moral of this tragic tale
Echoes through the ages.
In stories told around camp fires;
In Shakespeare’s hallowed pages.
Love is cruel and often wounds
The carefree woman or man.
But nothing messes a badger up
Like a hurtling Transit van!

SMB (DI Reviewer), 21/01/10

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THIS COMPETITION IS NOW CLOSED!
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Thanks to all entrants - your submissions, as ever, been fantastic. The winner of a meal and wine for two at The Big Bang on Sunday 14th Feb is Simon, with the poem above. We'll be sending a runner-up pack out to all those whose work made our shortlist.

Click here to see what else was/is on offer for Valentine's in 2010...

20/01/10

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Dumped for a Ginga

Dave’s left me; I’m distraught,
At least, I think I ought,
To feel that way,
But hey,
I don’t.

It happened in a whirl –
He met another girl,
They found romance,
“By chance”,
He said.

He’d just gone out to buy
A Melton Mowbray pie,
And she was there,
Great pair…
Of legs.

She snared him in the shop,
Her purchase… alco-pop,
She’d lain in wait,
Like bait,
For Dave.

She looked at him, and said:
“Let’s eat that pie in bed”,
Her tresses flame,
Her aim;
My man.

He came home and declared,
That he no longer cared,
So he would leave,
I’d grieve,
Too bad.

And so, he upped and went,
To share her two-man tent,
Down Cowley Road,
Abode,
Not great.

Offspring with ginger hair,
Is that what they will share?
If things work out …
I doubt …
They will.

And fate may not be mean,
Red’s a recessive gene;
They could be spared,
Kids haired,
Ginger.

Judith Davies (DI Reviewer), 09/02/10

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Dearest,

Not a red rose, or a satin heart,
I give you the last meal of an ageing boa constrictor.
Its partially digested corpse signifies the fraction of my heart hating
you takes up.
Its warmth reflects the firey despise I feel towards you and its moist
erroding flesh, your chronic odour.
Also it has a bad haircut too.

your Valentine

?
yyy

inadequate Tom (Unverified), 08/02/10

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It was the day after Valentine's and I awoke in my bed

Trying to piece together last night's events in my head

Just when a memory of lady was entering my mind

I rolled over and discovered a letter of some kind

"Though we just met and we had one heck of blast

This kind of relationship just could never last.

It was fun, it was real, and you gave me your best

But let's just say I'm not like the rest.

I'm off like a flash deep into the night

Never to see me again but I'll leave you a delight!

Why don’t you today visit your local GP.

Because from me to you...Happy VD!"

PimpMasterT (DI User), 08/02/10

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I'd like to say I love you, and want you by my side
I wish my love was lasting, until the day I died
I'd love to say your looks can leave me awfully weak
And your captivating mind, is what every woman seeks.

But I'll have to be quite frank with you, I have a secret pang
It's to get me chops around the grub
that's free at our BIG BANG!

SQUEAKY PANTS (Unverified), 08/02/10

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Outrageous are tuition fees
That leave us less than skint
No more are dinners fire-lit
No coal, no wood, no flint

To spark the romance we have lost
Fake gestures must be taken
The flowers, chocolates and champagne
Are long ago forsaken

Our protest to false holiday
Marks anarchistic measures
Endearments, jewels, big screen tvs
No longer lovers' treasures

And so the poet must prevail
For freebies here compose
All stanzas void of Valentine
No cupids, hearts or rose

Degrees and writing bring us naught
We're always strapped for cash
Despite a lack of rhyming scheme
You're bangers to my mash

So here I'll end without a word
Conveying what I feel
For you my love are just the tool
To garner us a meal

Hungry, Not for Love (Unverified), 07/02/10

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The youthful lover sucks his inky quill,
All pensive as he ponders how to write
Of love unto his love, such things as might
With sentiment assail a maiden’s will.
To smother thoughts of other parts he thinks
To praise instead her lovely voice or face;
To compliment her eyes, her inner grace,
Her lips perhaps, her swanlike neck, but sinks
His wayward gaze a little lower yet.
And as he fingers still his inky pen
He can’t resist the baser thoughts of men
And muses, verseless, struck by one regret:
That though their beauty such a sight would be,
Women will not show as men would wish to see.

Youthful lover (Unverified), 06/02/10

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Be My Valentine
On February the fourteenth, two thousand and nine,
You were my valentine.

There was no need for you to fear,
The vows were pretty clear.

I hate you more than mouldy bread
You have to eat until you’re dead

On February the fourteenth, two thousand and ten
You’ll be my valentine instead.

Tick tock, there goes another year,
It’s called a marriage, dear.

Deborah (Unverified), 04/02/10

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Oi! You, with the cute face
Stop looking at me like that
I'm not interested

It's no good trying to tempt me
With a ticket to a sausage hut
Slut!

I’m just not into all this…
Soppy stuff

Nobody ever showed me

pinkswan (DI User), 04/02/10

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V ery
A mourus
L over
e xcited
N ow,
T OUGH!
I
N ever
e xcite
S talkers

patty (Unverified), 04/02/10

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Done but not dust Ted I am done but not dust Ted
yet-
When I am, don’t forget darling
the meals at nine
as you reclined
after my long day’s work.

I am done but not dust Ted
yet –
When I am, don’t forget darling
your tea in bed
when you said I looked tired-
lapping it up between the covers.

I am done, soon I will be dust Ted
but-
while there’s time, here’s your shirt
ironed, pristine-
sorry about the specks, the dulling cabinet
unclean!

Lately I seem to leave a trail
in the hall, the bedroom, the kitchen
the powder room...

I am dust. I am dust Ted
pet-
stick me in the hoover
by the polish and the spit.
Do that one thing darling
that way you won’t forget.

betsie (DI User), 03/02/10

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There was a young lady from Cowley;
Her voice was unpleasantly yowly.
This tormented her bloke,
Who implored her to smoke,
Thus making it sexy and growly.

Our subject ignored the injunction;
She showed not a shred of compunction.
And soon all around,
There echoed the sound,
Of relationship ceasing to function.

But our Cowley girl suffered no ill,
And her vocals remained loud and shrill.
She soon found her calling,
Applying her bawling,
As a portable fire-alarm drill.

exocoetidus (DI User), 02/02/10

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violetmcnees @Roseanna2000 Rob and Sebastian r leaving at 9, so I’ll pick a DVD you bring some wine!

5:40 PM February 14th from web

Abi (DI User), 01/02/10

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How many words in "Valentine", I know a couple and it's "not mine"

First we have -tale, as that is always your excuse
then we have, -vain, because that's what you are
and then -late, because you always are.
Also we have, -vile, because that is what you are.
And then of couse, -leave, you do when things get tough.
Don't forget -nail, you want to stick through my heart,
I expect there are SO many more little words, of meaning true to you,
But I know two that are not there and that's, I DO

[Well, you can't spell "Valentine" without "vitriol". Can you? -Ed.]

polly anna (Unverified), 01/02/10

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for my internet love...

When I agreed to meet you I thought our destiny was made.
But you looked like you'd been set on fire and put out with a spade.

Disappointed (Unverified), 31/01/10

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Oh my god that time of year
has come along so quickly
cant beleieve it's that time again
it makes me feel so icky

Money spent of flowers and cards
and pink things everywhere
and if you are not with somebody
then everyones stops and stares

'whose that lonely lady,
who couldnt find a date,
will she ever find true love,
or is it now too late'

For those people i say just simply this
get on with your own lives
for while this day means more to you
for all the husbands and the wives

I am happy just the way i am
smiling in the mirror
Poor people wasting money so
on promises they cant deliver

why not tell the ones you love
how you feel the whole year round
and stop and think on valentines
this year i wont waste a pound.

Dont let the commercial empire
win a single penny
and make you feel more desperate
when you are not getting any

I am happy to sit alone
in the surroundings of this place
and eat a double helping
with a big smile upon my face

good luck to all the contestants
your poems are pretty swell
we clearly have a lot in common
for i hate valentines day as well x

Billie Bop (Unverified), 31/01/10

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I love you more than roses and little fluffy kittens
but if you fart in bed again I'll make you into mittens.

Relationship reality (Unverified), 31/01/10

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Never been truly loved,

turning sixteen, in love for the first time, head over heels, envied by many,
February 14th, excited as I await my beloved, at a table for two

hours passed no signs, I walk out, tears in my eyes, the single rose I got him in my hands.
Love was all around, no one noticed my despair

'mother fell ill, I could not contact you' he said... yet roomers had it he was with Gina! the older woman

was I too young?

married and happy, three children later, through sickness and health, poverty and no riches my life is just fine.

February 10th. 'Darling am off to Japan', a business trip..
alone on February 14th, the kids are out, it's valentines day...the phone rings..

it's my husband of twenty years
'darling I have been arrested'... in an illegal brothel !

was I too old?

30/01/10

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All couples have their differences, but some are worse than others.
Just heed the sad examples of these doomed, unhappy lovers:

Ann doesn’t eat meat while Bob likes to shoot deer.
May’s a teetotaler and Ron guzzles beer.

Jon waxes rhapsodic when Sue prefers silence.
Matt plays football weekly while Barb eschews violence.

Gail’s always peppy when Henry is weary;
Pat likes clean-shaven and Chris sports dundreary.

In final summation, these differences various
Cause headaches, sorrow, and woe multifarious.

Which concludes why I am grateful that height is our disparity.
It rarely causes fights, just occasional hilarity.
It doesn’t pain or peeve, bother, fret, or vex
It just makes strangers wonder, “How do they have sex?”

A. Pirate (Unverified), 28/01/10

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You tell me that you love me
And I’m convinced that it’s not true,
Because you’ve chosen this one clichéd day
To tell me that you do.

You’ve played the game alright –
Done everything you ought,
And it’s the fact you’ve done so well
That makes me so distraught.

Yes, you’ve bought the singing Hallmark Card
And the typical blood-red rose.
You wouldn’t know original
If it punched you on the nose.

Today you took me for a meal
And you made me pay for half
Your lame attempts at cheap romance
Just make me want to laugh

You seem to feel that trash and tricks
Equal a full on loving session,
When all it makes me want to do
Is pound you with aggression.

If you had stood and fluffed your lines
It might have seemed more real,
Or done something new, original,
As if you cared what I would feel.

Instead you’re like an oiled piston
Nodding in the machine
Obeying every pulse and order,
By pretending to be keen.

Almost every other day
You never think to call
I feel that getting affection from you
Is like hitting a brick wall

You never try to hug me,
Or tell me what you think.
The only time you show me love
Is when you’re deep in drink.

It’s all the things that you forget
That show you aren’t for real –
And all these force-fed acts of love
Are a cover for how you feel.

What’s worse is I want you to like me,
And know that, despite it, I like you,
But mostly I just lack the nerve
To tell you that we’re through.

KJLS (Unverified), 28/01/10

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you never were my valentine, i did it for a bet,
and the money that i won, i went and paid the vet,
to come to yours on valentine, and take you into care,
cos i told them you were ugly, and that i couldn't bear
to hold you anymore, it made me feel quite yuk,
and that you needed surgery, as you never had any luck,
in keeping hold a partner, of any kind at all,
last years valentine, said it was an early april fool
so if the vet can fix you up, and make you look quite good,
i hope that next year's valentine will take you out, they should

tweasha (Unverified), 27/01/10

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Roses are red
Violets are blue
No, it's no good, it's not working
Even poetry can't smooth over the cracks
The honeymoon period's well and truly over
There are just too many things you do that annoy the hell out of me
Who are we trying to kid?
It was a bad idea from the start.
It's over.
Oh, and you can pay for your own bangers and ****** mash! I only came with you cos it was a free meal! I'm gonna use my voucher with someone else.
Deal with it!
Waiter, can SHE have the bill please!

Free Agent Again (DI User), 24/01/10

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I followed you here so that you would not fear
Now that I am here I hold onto you so dear
I now am in fear until I find that job that makes us a living

HO (DI User), 23/01/10

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Just how much more you want me to take
Before my lonely heart you will break
How much taller you want me to stand
Before you push my life in god's hand
How much more do you want me to feel
you have done enough the pain is unreal
How much longer do you expect me to last
Living each day haunted by the past
The answer's none, I can't take this
So now this is my final wish
Leave me cold, let me die
My lonely heart will say goodbye
Live your life with me gone
For I know that you done wrong
Live your life till you feel whole
Let me rest my hurting soul.
2 kids later, the time came and I knew
the reason you left was for someone new
each year on valentine's day
brings back memories of you leaving this way
this day now tainted and scared
my heart now broken and barred
I hope your happy you made me stand tall
only to watch me crumble and fall
taught me to love and learn
just to watch me crash and burn
happy valentine's day to you
 I hope she breaks your heart in two

coco baby (DI User), 23/01/10

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Stranded at the Strand

Fruity jealousy green ripe and tart
sharp as razors on the tongue
is the saliva I swallow
as she kisses him.
My costly beanie hat skids over my staring too hard eyes
taking in a gust of grey daggers my way.
Overhead is clumps of earth hailing down on me
as I had paid for us all to see ‘Legally Blonde’
and did not know she would show.
Thought he would ditch her
off the back of my dirty crazy text.
I cling tight to say, ‘We had a great day’.
She limpets her skinny tum to his toned one
and it strips my skin like a Chinese burn
when he does not notice my well-poised goodbye.
I do it because I love him.
Well then love is hate and hate is need
which is as clear as the heavens above
as the late evening doom accumulates
like cumulus dogging an empty sky.

Lita Doolan (DI Reviewer), 22/01/10

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Heart Throb
Hero shot down in flames by a seizure.
In a breath
looking at me as if to wonder
what I came here for.
Body crumpling
in front of my eyes
like a crisp packet under the sun
with no understanding I have dreams too.
Listen to the cracked silence and the explanation
I cannot be here night and day;
it’s not a crime to want different things.
and in an instance I see
he has forgotten me.

Sugar Daddy always was an autocrat
knotted around the folds in his perfectly placed cravat.

Lita Doolan (DI Reviewer), 22/01/10

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Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?

. . .

Actually, no, you can get lost.
The End

Edmeister (Unverified), 21/01/10

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Oh Lydia, Oh Lydia.
You gave me Chlamydia.
I loved you once,
But now I'm well rid o' ya.

Roboduino (Unverified), 21/01/10

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